Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.