lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
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*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”