lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
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Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please