lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
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people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
They’re not wrong
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I am, perchance
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.