*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
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summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Siri: Retweet me.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
i can’t wait that long
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Hey! This isn’t my car!
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.