Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
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God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.