lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
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Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Cannot stop laughing at this
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?