Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
You Might Also Like
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Not today, today.
Not today.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me