LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

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Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!


I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.



“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”


is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?


Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”



me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations


[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”


To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.


There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil