@kathybotteas I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
@bobvulfov LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
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@kathybotteas 
@JackieluvsUK Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
@KateWhineHall I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
@UncleDuke1969 “Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
@postcrunk is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
@ZombieProblms Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
@RiotGrlErin me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
@caliluvgirl77 [staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
@JohnLyonTweets To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
@AshFrieds There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil