LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
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Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.