[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
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I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please