Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo