lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
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Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
This is so me 😂😂
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…