lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
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I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.