Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
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Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.