[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
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BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer: