Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
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We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
spot the difference
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.