She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
You Might Also Like
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?
You are the banner of my existence.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”