@JamesonN7

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

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@Thynebear

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

@topaz_kell

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

@SteveKoehler22

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

@mattytalks

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

@BonaFideIntent

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

@Marlebean

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

@MaryKoCo

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”