Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
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What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
❤️🦆
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
me after eating Cheetos
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro