[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
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my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.