@emily_tweets
@AndreyasAsylum If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
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@AndreyasAsylum 
@iwearaonesie wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
@Kennedydp5 The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
@brain_freeze_ Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
@iamdevloper I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
@TheCatWhisprer I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
@CornOnTheGoblin [flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
@C_Hendrick Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
@GabbbarSingh Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
@CruisinSoozan As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.