Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.