@emily_tweets

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

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@AndreyasAsylum

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

@iwearaonesie

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

@Kennedydp5

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

@brain_freeze_

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

@iamdevloper

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

@TheCatWhisprer

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

@GabbbarSingh

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

@CruisinSoozan

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.