[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
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Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.