[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
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[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Haha! 😂
Strange
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Breaking news:
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves