If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
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wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.