[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
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In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Phonetics
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open