*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
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Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
become ungovernable
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Love is in the air fryer.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan