*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
i would wish you the best but i am the best
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.