Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
You Might Also Like
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
😂😂😂
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit