LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
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Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone