[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

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Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.





Me: *gets out of pool*


According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.


*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*


“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb


I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.


My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.


9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this


Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”