@riot4rach
@XplodingUnicorn Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@mydmac According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
@The_Mentalyst *Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
@POTerritory “Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
@PaperWash I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
@markedly My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
@iwearaonesie 9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
@baronvonbike Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
@TheTweetOfGod Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
@tiReynard Fat chances are my favorite chances