[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
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Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
How funny!
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Wait for it
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account