[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
You Might Also Like
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
who wants to go expliring
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure