*leads a conga line off of a bridge
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Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
smartest karate player in the world