*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
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i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
The real reason evolution started..😂
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.