Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
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They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
When they try to steal your moment.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”