Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.