*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.