Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.