[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
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[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.