*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
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Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body