Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

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I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.


Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*


GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting


If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank


I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting


“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.


“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.