Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
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This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Quadruple digit IQ
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.