Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
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If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
the chicken was already gone when I got here
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest