Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
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I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
😜
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season