Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
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Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.