Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Finished stitching this today 😇
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode