Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
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As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
is this meant to deter me
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.