*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
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5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Wait a minute…