*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
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ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them