leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
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My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time