‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

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God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes


I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.


Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide


Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other


Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C


“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes


I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.


Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.