@Maxine12333

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

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@wife_housy

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

@meantomyself

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

@wilnettleton

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

@jonnysun

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

@SondraDeeMe

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

@KyleMcDowell86

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

@ThatBrenna

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

@VerbsRProudest

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

@KentWGraham

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

@jakegarv3

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.