‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
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It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie