@Maxine12333

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

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@mstern68

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

@GingerHotDish

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

@uxnotyoux

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

@AnOrangeSNES

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

@BigJDubz

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

@inmybox07

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

@occupied_stall

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

@SCbchbum

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.