Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
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Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
A new level of troll.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.