@bonehugsnirony

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

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@ThatRascalPuff

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

@SoulYodeler

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

@Jared_VanL

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

@stats_canada

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

@DrunjAF

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

@rachelle_mandik

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

@jonnysun

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

@fluffysuse

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

@_davidlucas_

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.