Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus


The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.


The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)


It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity


My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.


“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”


4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history


Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.


An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.