“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
You Might Also Like
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.