[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
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Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
#SaturdayBears
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery