@bossy_bootz

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

You Might Also Like

@jus4golf

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

@Pundamentalism

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

@TeaPartyCat

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

@DrakeGatsby

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

@MatCro

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

@iamspacegirl

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

@Lhlodder

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

@JamieGreenlees

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.