*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

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When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.


To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.


Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.


Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.


[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet


incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs


Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.


Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.