“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
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When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon