*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
This raises questions
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.