*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
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One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Hmmmmm
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]