*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
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[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.