[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
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Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya