[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
This classic never gets old . . .
A dead goose is called a ghoost
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”